In the former post I wrote about my struggles with PTSD, and how it affects me daily, and probably always will for the rest of my life in some way. But I wanted to encourage others that may be dealing with this syndrome, or other issues in their life that seem insurmountable. Don't ever give up! God is on your side, take all your problems to Him in prayer and He hears those that are honest and humble before Him. Let me tell you a little about how I have been blessed even through the trials of PTSD.
That particular day, on the FOURTEENTH, day of July, 2005 I was driving in my NISSAN, I had an "exodus" of sorts. Sorry, I just had to use this to make a point! If you know the Passover story, you know that it started the Exodus of Hebrews out of Egypt on 14th Nissan(Hebrew month), and that they were on a "journey", freed from bondage and slavery, going to Mt Sinai to get the "10 commandments" from God. Well, during my accident, and immediately after, some things that I had prayed for, were my release from bondage and slavery also. And to take me to my personal "day at Mt Sinai!"
First words out of my "then fiance's" mouth, when he saw me, after the accident while I was in the ambulance getting ready to go to the hospital, " I didn't know if I would make it in time.", I didn't call him, his son did, so must have thought I was dying. It was serious, but my time wasn't up yet! Second words were, "you are still beautiful" even though I had gashes and burns here and there, and my eye was all black and blue, blood here and there. wow! Prayer request: I wanted to get married again, but wanted to have stability and be able to stay home, I needed His help to find the right choice for me and to help me not to make another mistake. When my hubby and I first met about 8 mos before this, I liked him, but I didn't think he and I would click. We were just friends, and talked alot. I worked long hours and long drives, but he would make dinner and dessert for me every night, when I would get home, I would drop my keys in my apt, then go up to his apt for dinner, and come home for the night. As I was certainly very much a city girl, and he was very much a country guy. ( you know like the old Donny and Marie song, "She's a little bit country, and I'm a little Rock and Roll"), He was very much a bachelor, too with two teenage sons! I didn't think he was "the guy." But God saw things differently. This accident was not an accident by accident, it was an on purpose accident, as you will see later. It was a time for me to "think" about my life, where it had been and where it was going, if I didn't get a grip! And I had to be in four walls all day long to do that. Otherwise, you can drive and put the music on, or walk and think of what you are seeing, but to sit all day in a lonely apt, I had time to THINK! BOY DID I HAVE TIME TO THINK!!!
I had done a lot of things in my life; I had broken every Commandment in the Book and more. I always thought, "I'm a good person, so I am ok!, I'll just ask forgiveness(confession) and go on my way". I asked God one day, if I had not been forgiven for my sins and made anew by the blood of Messiah, Jesus Christ, that He would forgive me now, and make me a new creature in Him, give me a new heart as He promised. I knew that day that things were going to be different. I was still being stubborn in some ways, but God would continue to mold me and make me into the woman He wanted, so I could be the woman and wife that Marty wanted, when I didn't even know that Marty and I were going to get married.
As I got to know Marty, we started to go to church together, it just made things that much better. You can be "spiritually" connected with any person, but unless you have HIS "spirit" guiding you, then it doesn't amount to much. God was showing me, little by little, that this was HIS guy, for me. While I was "recovering" at home(from accident #2)(see below). Marty would check on me, and bring me things to cheer me up, He would even check on me in the morning to see if I needed anything before he would go to work. He would leave his dog, Jimmy, with me for company til he got home. (I know, awwww, huh?) I hadn't met a guy that caring and considerate, in a long time. One day, he came over to my apt, and I told him my Dad's flag from his funeral had gotten misshapen, during my move. He called a qualified Veteran friend, and they refolded it in my living room, to the Military specs, of which it was folded at my Dad's funeral. He (Marty) forgave me for things in my past, that could have messed up our relationship, but trusted that I would/had change(d). And he said I made him a better person. And he certainly had made a change in me too. (although God did the actual changes) I mean you have to be willing to change, before it can take place with out you fighting against it and I believe because I wanted to be "almost like a new bride" when I married Marty, that( I did everything QUITE differently than I had before. )
Secondly, I had been in two other accidents, within a 10 mo period. I was so done! I slipped and fell at the Mall, on something that didn't have a "slippery when wet" sign on it! On my birthday of course. Then about three mos before that, I had a "spin out" on I-5, very harsh rain, and ruts in the road, neither were my fault, but lead to some issues none the less. I was involved with some other people and things that I believe now, that God was trying to get my attention, I was even out of work for a whole month for those,...but in both cases, but I was still destined to do it MY WAY! So the last accident, He needed to put me in my place, as I had been praying for help.., so He did, . Sometimes when we get help from God, its not necessarily what we think we need or want, or we say "Hey God, that wasn't what I meant"!, but in His love and forgiveness and gentleness, He always has the right thing, at the right time. Sometimes we think we are not worthy to ask Him for things, but let Him make that call, and ask Him, He will give you the desires of your heart, in ways you can't even think of, when you are humble and listen to His still small voice.
When Marty came along, he was very different than other guys I had dated. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but so much that God had to STOP ME IN MY TRACKS so I couldn't discount what HE was trying to convey to me! Yes, I was stubborn! (I know most of you are thinking, really? Her?, nah), but Yep I was.. all along . You know how sometimes, you think , I want that, but God says NO, you don't need that, and then you say, Well, how about THAT?, and God says NO not that either, well I was pretty much playing this game with God, I am glad He has the patience that He does...
Marty was my friend, first. We actually met the next weekend after my spin out, and then in February about 4 mos later he asked me to marry him.( interestingly enough, he told me that he was never getting married again after first time, and raising two boys on his own, was tough work. But he saw me move into my apt, and said "that is the gal I'm going to marry", God was already putting things into play, that I couldn't even have imagined...I didn't even know he was there, for 3 mos, before we met, he parked RIGHT beside my car every day, and I never saw him..(we worked different hours too) Well, I said no, and went to San Diego for my youngest son's Bar Mitzvah. Since I was on leave from work, from the fall at the mall for a month, I went to SD for my son's birthday too, then I had MORE time to THINK! There were things to be dealt with back home( another guy I had been dating) and my friends were telling me, go slow, get to know Marty first., I still thought he was too country for me, but I took their advice and came home to OR, and said, lets just get to know one another first, then we'll talk. In the mean time, we had issues to overcome, he had two boys and I had two boys. We didn't know where we would live after we got married, wondered how that would work, step kids can be fun and they can bring issues as I knew from a previous marriage and a relationship. And this one was NO DIFFERENT! But God intervened, and all was well, for the most part. * We went to premarital counseling, and found out through a marriage test(standardized) that we were compatible in everything except child rearing.(so like 98%),(I was sort of drill sargent, and he is more easy going)( I know, another hard thing to imagine, Me? Drill Sargent?)... we weren't planning on having anymore, us old folks, so that wasn't an issue.
Third, I had taken a job close to home in May, then July had this accident. Interestingly enough, after all that I had been through in such a short time, I was praying God, I don't want to work anymore, I want to stay home and be a wife... I never appreciated being home, always liked working. But had been home as a mom earlier in life, took care of the house etc...so it wasn't that I didn't like it, I just didn't appreciate it. God is always ready for us to turn around our "stinkin thinkin" and make a choice, in the right direction. So he gave me the desire of my heart. Now I mentioned this job I had taken , one, because I had applied for it two YEARS before, and thought they had lost my resume! But one day, while on leave from work, they called and asked if I was still interested? I said yes, I wanted something closer to home. I had been driving 2 hrs back and forth fwy driving for work so that was a lot of work in itself! 2 weeks after the accident, I got laid off! Yep! They said that I was taking too much time off for Dr appointments. They gave me 1,000 severance, which they said was the first time in their 30 yr history! another God thing!!! First it made me MAD, getting let go, but after I began to see why , and all that I had gained by not working there, and the stress, I was happy to let it go...I had prayed to stay home and have a husband that respected that. Marty was that man, and I have been home ever since. He always tells me how happy he is that I stay home and take care of it...that he wouldn't want it any other way. Doesn't mean I am stupid, or undereducated. Recently in the media, the women who stay home, has taken a hit! I wanted to stay home, I had done all the other stuff. When the time was right,I was ready to stay home.
Because of the accident, I had to file for disability, which wouldn't come as a yes for almost 2 years later. But as most that have it, will tell you, that to get it you have to go before a judge, I prayed, that day when I got the call from the State saying we will need you to show up at this address on this date. I was mortified. how would I drive to the big city, in the snow??? I prayed that even though I knew that it wasn't normally this way, would God allow me not to go to the Judge, and let my out of state atty take care of it. Three days later I got a call from my atty, that I got full disability but not back pay, which I was good with. Also, I have to admit, there was one part pretty amazing about this. that I got my SSDI, on the basis of no doctors, that's right, the state sent me to two of their doctors,(OR) but since their diagnoses hadn't taken into acct my hearing, FM and cognitive issues, they (state of MT) threw their reports OUT! NEVER UNDERESTIMATE GOD! Miracles can and DO happen, if you are humble and ask God for his help.
Well, you see God used that accident,( as bad as it was, and as painful as it was) He wanted me to "lose" somethings, making way for His things, that I couldn't have if I didn't give up others... for many purposes to bring about His glory, to answer my prayers and to give me, as His daughter, things He wanted me to have to make my life better on this earth , just because my Father in Heaven loves me. I am truly blessed! My sincerest prayer today is that by me sharing some of my pain, and some of the miracles that someone else will be blessed and know that God is always there for them, if they just ASK.
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