Bored? Find new and feminine ways to wear camo! Brad Paisley would be proud!

Arrange my clothes according to colors.

FWD:

PTSD and me ~ Part 2

In the former post I wrote about my struggles with PTSD, and how it affects me daily, and probably always will for the rest of my life in some way.  But I wanted to encourage others that may be dealing with this syndrome, or other issues  in their life that seem insurmountable.  Don't ever give up! God is on your side, take all your problems to Him in prayer and He hears those that are honest and humble before Him. Let me tell you a little about how I have been blessed even through the trials of PTSD.

That particular day, on the FOURTEENTH, day of July, 2005 I was driving in my NISSAN, I had an "exodus" of sorts. Sorry, I just had to use this to make a point!  If you know the Passover story, you know that it started the Exodus of Hebrews out of Egypt on 14th Nissan(Hebrew month), and that they were on a "journey", freed from bondage and slavery, going to Mt Sinai to get the "10 commandments" from God.   Well, during my accident, and immediately after, some things that I had prayed for, were my release from bondage and slavery also.  And to take me to my personal "day at Mt Sinai!"

First words out of my "then fiance's"  mouth, when he saw me, after the accident while I was in the ambulance getting ready to go to the hospital, " I didn't know if I would make it in time.", I didn't call him, his son did, so must have thought I was dying. It was serious, but my time wasn't up yet! Second words were, "you are still beautiful" even though I had gashes and burns here and there, and my eye was all black and blue, blood here and there. wow!  Prayer request: I wanted to get married again, but wanted to have stability and be able to stay home, I needed His  help to find the right choice for me and  to help me not to make another mistake.  When my hubby and I  first met about 8 mos before this, I liked him, but I didn't think he and I would click. We were just friends, and talked alot. I worked long hours and long drives, but he would make dinner and dessert for me every night, when I would get home, I would drop my keys in my apt, then go up to his apt for dinner, and come home for the night.  As I was certainly very much a city girl, and he was very  much a country guy.  ( you know like the old Donny and Marie song, "She's a little bit country, and I'm a little Rock and Roll"), He was very much a bachelor, too with two teenage sons!  I didn't think he was "the guy." But God saw things differently. This accident was not an accident by accident, it was an on purpose accident, as you will see later.  It was a time for me to "think" about my life, where it had been and where it was going, if I didn't get a grip! And I had to be in four walls all day long to do that. Otherwise, you can drive and put the music on, or walk and think of what you are seeing, but to sit all day in a lonely apt, I had time to THINK! BOY DID I HAVE TIME TO THINK!!!

I had done a lot of things in my life;  I had broken every Commandment in the Book and more. I always thought, "I'm a good person, so I am ok!, I'll just ask forgiveness(confession) and go on my way".   I asked God one day, if I had not been forgiven for my sins and made anew by the blood of Messiah, Jesus Christ, that He would forgive me now, and make me a new creature in Him, give me a new heart as He promised.  I knew that day that things were going to be different. I was still being stubborn in some ways, but God would continue to mold me and make me into the woman He wanted, so I could be the woman and wife that Marty wanted, when I didn't even know that Marty and I were going to get married.

As I got to know Marty, we started to go to church together, it just made things that much better. You can be "spiritually" connected with any person, but unless you have HIS "spirit" guiding you, then it doesn't amount to much.  God was showing me, little by little, that this was HIS guy, for me. While I was "recovering"  at home(from accident #2)(see below). Marty would check on me, and bring me things to cheer me up, He would even check on me in the morning to see if I needed anything before he would go to work. He would leave his dog, Jimmy, with me for company til he got home. (I know, awwww, huh?)  I hadn't met a guy that caring and considerate, in a long time.  One day, he came over to my apt, and I told him my Dad's flag from his funeral  had gotten misshapen, during my move. He called a qualified Veteran friend, and they refolded it in my living room, to the Military specs, of which it was folded at my Dad's funeral. He (Marty) forgave me for things in my past, that could have messed up our relationship, but trusted that I would/had change(d). And he said I made him a better person. And he certainly had made a change in me too. (although God did the actual changes) I mean you have to be willing to change, before it can take place with out you fighting against it and I believe because I wanted to be "almost like a new bride" when I married Marty, that( I did everything QUITE differently than I had before. )

Secondly, I had been in two other accidents, within a 10 mo period. I was so done! I slipped and fell at the Mall, on something that didn't have a "slippery when wet" sign on it!  On my birthday of course. Then about three mos before that, I had a "spin out" on I-5,  very harsh rain, and ruts in the road, neither were my fault, but lead to some issues none the less. I was involved with some other people and things that I believe now, that God was trying to get my attention, I was even out of work for a whole month for those,...but in both cases, but I was still destined to do it MY WAY!  So the last accident, He needed to put me in my place, as I had been praying for help.., so He did, . Sometimes when we get help from God, its not necessarily what we think we need or want, or we say "Hey God, that wasn't what I meant"!, but in His love and forgiveness and gentleness, He always has the right thing, at the right time. Sometimes we think we are not worthy to ask Him for things, but let Him make that call, and ask Him, He will give you the desires of your heart, in ways you can't even think of, when you are humble and listen to His still small voice.

 When Marty came along, he was very different than other guys I had dated. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but so much that God had to STOP ME IN MY TRACKS so I couldn't discount what HE was trying to convey to me! Yes, I was stubborn! (I know most of you are thinking, really? Her?, nah), but Yep I was..  all along . You know how sometimes, you think , I want that, but God says NO, you don't need that, and then you say, Well, how about THAT?, and God says NO not that either, well I was pretty much playing this game with God, I am glad He has the patience that He does...

Marty was my friend, first. We actually met the next weekend after my spin out, and then in February about 4 mos later he asked me to marry him.( interestingly enough, he told me that he was never getting married again after first time, and raising two boys on his own, was tough work.  But he saw me move into my apt, and said "that is the gal I'm going to marry", God was already putting things into play, that I couldn't even have imagined...I didn't even know he was there, for 3 mos, before we met, he parked RIGHT beside my car every day, and I never saw him..(we worked different hours too) Well, I said no, and went to San Diego for my youngest son's Bar Mitzvah.  Since I was on leave from work, from the fall at the mall for a month, I went to SD for my son's birthday too, then I had MORE time to THINK!  There were things to be dealt with back home( another guy I had been dating) and my friends were telling me, go slow,  get to know Marty first., I still thought he was too country for me, but I took their advice and came home to OR, and said, lets just get to know one another first, then we'll talk. In the mean time, we had issues to overcome, he had two boys and I had two boys.  We didn't know where we would live after we got married, wondered how that would work, step kids can be fun and they can bring issues as I knew from a previous marriage and a relationship. And this one was NO DIFFERENT! But God intervened, and all was well, for the most part. * We went to premarital counseling, and found out through a marriage test(standardized) that we were compatible in everything except child rearing.(so like 98%),(I was sort of drill sargent, and he is more easy going)( I know, another hard thing to imagine, Me? Drill Sargent?)... we weren't planning on having anymore, us old folks, so that wasn't an issue.

Third, I had taken a job close to home in May, then July had this accident. Interestingly enough, after all that I had been through in such a short time, I was praying God, I don't want to work anymore, I want to stay home and be a wife... I never appreciated being home, always liked working. But had been home as a mom earlier in life, took care of the house etc...so it wasn't that I didn't like it, I just didn't appreciate it. God is always ready for us to turn around our "stinkin thinkin" and make a choice, in the right direction. So he gave me the desire of my heart. Now I mentioned this job I had taken , one, because I had applied for it two YEARS before, and thought they had lost my resume!  But one day, while on leave from work, they called and asked if I was still interested? I said yes, I wanted something closer to home.   I had been driving 2 hrs back and forth fwy driving for work so that was a lot of work in itself!  2 weeks after the accident, I got laid off! Yep! They said that I was taking too much time off for Dr appointments. They gave me 1,000 severance, which they said was the first time in their 30 yr history! another God thing!!! First it made me MAD, getting let go, but after I began to see why , and all that I had gained by not working there, and the stress, I was happy to let it go...I had prayed to stay home and have a husband that respected that. Marty was that man, and I have been home ever since. He always tells me how happy he is that I stay home and take care of it...that he wouldn't want it any other way. Doesn't mean I am stupid, or undereducated. Recently in the media, the women who stay home, has taken a hit! I wanted to stay home, I had done all the other stuff.  When the time was right,I was ready to stay home.

Because of the accident, I had to file for disability, which wouldn't come as a yes for almost 2 years later. But as most that have it, will tell you, that to get it you have to go before a judge, I prayed, that day when I got the call from the State saying we will need you to show up at this address on this date. I was mortified. how would I drive to the big city, in the snow??? I prayed that even though I knew that it wasn't normally this way, would God allow me not to go to the Judge, and let my out of state atty take care of it.  Three days later I got a call from my atty, that I got full disability but not back pay, which I was good with. Also, I have to admit, there was one part pretty amazing about this. that I got my SSDI, on the basis of no doctors, that's right, the state sent me to two of their doctors,(OR) but since their diagnoses hadn't taken into acct my hearing, FM and cognitive issues, they (state of MT) threw their reports OUT! NEVER UNDERESTIMATE GOD!  Miracles can and DO happen, if you are humble and ask God for his help.

 Well, you see God used that accident,( as bad as it was, and as painful as it was) He wanted me to "lose" somethings, making way for His things, that I couldn't have if I didn't give up others... for many purposes to bring about His glory, to answer my prayers and to give me, as His daughter, things He wanted me to have to make my life better on this earth , just because my Father in Heaven loves me. I am truly blessed! My sincerest prayer today is that by me sharing some of my pain, and some of the miracles that someone else will be blessed and know that God is always there for them, if they just ASK.

All that is really left of the snow..warm fire next to it,kinda the total opposites in the same pic haha having easy day here, marty working on truck, laundry and dishes up for me next! Yay!!

PTSD and me

I have PTSD. .It stands for Post Tramautic Stress Disorder.  I have never been a soldier at war; but it can be triggered by accidents, rape, war, seeing someone killed, or seeing an accident for instance, and other traumatic events...but today, I drove to Missoula by myself...something I haven't done since we have been here.  Here is the background to that story..

 I have had it since July 14, 2005. The day I was in my car accident.  Thankfully, no deaths, but a few injuries, and 3 mangled cars. I was sitting at a stop, (for traffic in front of me), there was a lg pickup in front of me, along with a long line of cars... and no one behind me at the time.  About 10 minutes before I got to the stop, a young gal in a VW bug was behind me to my right...I passed her and got there first, and was last in the line of stopped cars. I was going only 35 which is the limit there. She wasn't paying attention and pushed the gas instead of the break, I watched her for what seemed an eternity, careen into the back of my 2000 Nissan Altima, from my rear view mirror.....I saw ahead that there was no one in the "universal turn" lane..So I tried to meander over into it, so she could stop in time before hitting me or the truck, therefore avoiding all the problems...unfortunately, when she hit me from the back, she shoved me 2-3 car lengths in the universal turn lane, and then there WAS someone, a pick up truck, so for what seemed like hours, we are playing "chicken" trying to avoid hitting each other also. We hit, the pickup truck came up onto the front of my hood!!  So, essentially, we were an automobile "oreo" cookie...stuck in the middle of two accidents, while separate were intertwined. after we "stopped" I asked Travis if he could call his dad, who had just gotten home from a busy day at work, Trav and I were on our way to the mall in Longview, WA.  Marty says that he " was hoping he could get to me in time", He thought I was unconcious, or worse, dead. Glad I had a man that took it seriously!

Plus Travis getting burned and jolted too, hit his head on the dash! (he is 6"2 so his face was over the airbag, I'm only 5"2 and so my bag went right into my face and chest. as I have to sit closer for me height. (They make those things for a person of like 5"9 and about 200 lbs! Scary for shorties like myself!  My bag actually punctured on impact, toxic powder everywhere(that causes the burns), throwing my glasses(thank God for polycarbonate lenses, non shatter) off my face and over the steering wheel on to the console, the cd wallet, that Trav had in his hand, over the steering column to my side of the console over the airbags! It also gave me a corneal abrasion, smacked my left side of my face pretty hard, cracked two teeth,  the "poison" they put in those bags is NOT TO BE INGESTED!  Boy did that stuff STING!!!  the airbag popped so loud, like a howitzer! It made my bad hearing worse on that side(next to the airbag) and made it worse than before, with me being so close to the steering wheel, I had burns on my face, chest, stomach, etc...from the bags...plus it made me have memory and cognitive problems....My knee hit the steering column, which fortunately didn't break it, but caused build up in it, and surgery later...., the seat belt restrained me (thankfully), but in a way that cause severe pain to my kidney and gallbladder...surgery was  to come to them about a year later.. Thankfully, I was alive and what could have been a lot worse, wasn't.  Just had a lot of adjustments to make...2 weeks later got "laid off" because over staffing...that didn't help my self esteem at the time...for a person that was usually not "sick" or out of comission; I, all of a sudden, was.

I have  dealt with the PTSD for the past 6 years, since my accident, in which I have not driven more than about 20 minutes from home (with one exception ) city streets and NO freeway driving! ( that would terrify me) An hour to and back and went grocery shopping ..., it was a first for me, in 6 yrs... I know, I used to drive all over the place, from OR to San Diego by myself, school, work, over 2 hrs each way, everyday, anytime to meet friends... but after the accident, I stopped, everything around me came to a screeching halt!!! Fortunately, I had Marty, but some days, HE wanted me out of the car, as I was driving "for" him, with shrieks along the way, if I thought he wasn't stopping fast enough...my friend, from CA, when they came for my wedding, I didn 't want to go to the city to go SHOPPING, because I would have to be in a car....Sad I know, who does'nt want to go to the Mall! We did go, but she said she would never drive with me again, either...(I have gotten over some of it...) still skittish if car goes too fast.. I was pretty much afraid of being in ANY car..Even  the rental after the accident, they were going to give me a little car....My wonderful hubby took it back to the rental place and said, "Are you kidding", how about if we take that F150 over there, and let the insurance co pick that up" She is terrified of anything less than a tank.", so F150 it was,( now he had to teach me to drive it! off to the HS we went, around and around, I finally got the hang of it!!) LOL,  and they picked up the whole thing for a week and a 1/2! ..Took me a couple years, to not , be a "true side seat driver...I would be watching front mirror, back side and everything in between, like a hawk! no one wanted me in the car, because I freaked out so much! I would take the path of least resistance, where before the accident, I would drive anywhere, at speeds keeping up with limit, at least.

Today I kept up with traffic, thankfully OUR traffic consists of one car behind you and one in front, MAYBE! How did I get by in San Diego, for 25 yrs?? LOL...You don't realize how powerful our brains are until something like this happens, and you freeze up totally, it even affected my socialization, second guessing my self, being afraid to make a move, Little by little Im coming out of it, again, I prayed this morning and while driving, and enjoyed it more than I have in a long time... Praise YHVH!

Another blog post coming  about how YHVH took this and made it into something good in His timing, so never ever give up! Keep working on it, in His timing things will change...There is always a good to the bad, when YHVH takes over....Give it to Him, and he will work miracles...

Bead different!

 As most of you know, I have been trying to get my beading shop up and going...I have been doing various things for about a year now...I have asked God in prayer to help my shop grow, show me what I need to do for it to grow, or change it up completely and show me a new direction...Well, one day, I started to play with some string, and wrapping it and playing with it, then someone asked if I made them, and interestingly enough, I had just started making them for myself and I recently had been studying in the Bible, about the mitzvah(commandment) of Tzitzits or Tassels.  There are the big 10 commandments, and then there are 603 more, that have summation in the big 10! One of them is Numbers 15:37-40, paraphrasing it says. That the children of Israel are to put tassels on their four cornered garments, and to put a thread of blue in them.  To remember YHVH (God) and His words, His commandments, and not to follow after our own eyes and hearts. Since I am following the paths of Christ and His followers, as close as I can,  while He was here on Earth, those are the ones that usually wear them, other than some males in the Orthodox Jewish world.  We that wear them currently with the blue in them are known as Messianic Christians/Jews or Hebrew Roots followers of Christ the Messiah (Yeshua haMashiach). Meaning that we read the Bible, accept the Torah, first 5 books of the Bible, as life's little instruction booklet,  try to follow God's teachings from start to finish, and believe that He sent His Son, Yeshua to die for our sins, and will return for His followers someday, and take us to Heaven. We still use computers, use iPhones, etc., watch TV,  go to the movies, read biblical as well as  non biblical books listen to all types of music, and we let our kids play sports, we don't sit and study and pray all day long....We laugh, have fun, being a little crazy and sometimes silly.( Even putting leopard lampshades on our heads), we love to eat,  we love our husbands, friends and family just like everyone else does. We still can dress fashionably or jeans/skirts (meaning most of us don't dress like "Little house on the Prairie"!)most of us are fairly modest in our dress code tho..  We do drive, some of us WORK inside the home, and some of us have jobs outside the home, we eat out in restaurants,  we like to go shopping, etc..we just try to do Biblical things in Biblical ways ~(sorry Jim Staley, Passion for Truth ministries, had to steal the motto!)

Most people say that the verse isn't for us, but the Jews.  If you study it closely, God is talking about all of the tribes of Israel, collectively. The tribes of Israel which is all included and the tribe of Judah, which is the Jews, have taken this on.  Yeshua (Jesus) wore them.  That should be reason enough, and because Our Father said so... Not all people wear them. Depending on what they believe is the Truth about God, and His son, Yeshua, and what is correct and Holy holidays and days to observe Sabbath.  Some think we have come to the age of enlightenment, and new thoughts and new ways are for us today, not to go back and follow the "ancient paths" which it also says to "inquire about" in the Bible. Maybe there is a point to that...Seems like the further we go ahead, the more behind we get. Do you ever notice that? In just about everything...I know that God wants what is best for us, and going "progressively forward" isn't always the best for anyone. I also don't know that going way back is the right thing either. I think that if we stayed with the original laws and instructions, there would be a lot less issues in this world!  But usually if everyone knows what could come if you do this or that, then most will conform and do good  Ok, the stoning thing should go. And from my standpoint, drugs are good if you are in labor, no sitting on your neighbors lap, or out in the field and birthing those kids out!! LOL . The thing about wearing the tassels, is that even if I start to think one way...they are there to remind me, sort of like electric shock collars, without the electricity! (thankfully, or no one would want to wear them).  while I am walking, I can feel them with my hands, and sometimes I grab on to them, sort of like a "blankie" you know? They are an immense comfort to the wearer. I know that it may look a little "different" , but then you have to ask yourself, since when does high fashion, not? And I can't think of anything more HIGH fashion, than doing what my Father in Heaven expects of me, not just with my thoughts, but with how I dress, deal with others, talk, write, think, etc....I'm okay with that...We need to get back to the idea that just because someone is different, doesn't mean they are weird, or bad...maybe they are just "different". That is what makes us all different, we weren't supposed to all be the same. We have to appreciate the good and interesting in others, to really appreciate that in ourselves.


The main reason of wearing Tassels or in Hebrew "Tzitzits" (zeets seets), is that it is commanded, for the Children of Israel, not the country of Israel, but the Children of the Most High, which is all of us in reference. It is to keep me from going my own way, looking into my own desires and paths. Keeping to the script, you could say. Trying to do the right thing, say the right thing, not looking and doing what I shouldn't be doing.  Trying to utlize ancient wisdom,  the old paths, looking to ancient times, and ways...Why is it, we look to the new and never worn paths?  While I read "Eat, Pray, Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert, she wrote about travelling to find herself.  After her divorce and thoughts, picked up and went to Italy, to eat, India to pray and Bali to love.  All religions, have prayer beads, or rosaries, or something to make them think of the Higher Power, to make themselves STOP and try to relate to God and bring about peace and connectivity to themselves through each other.  That is what Tzitzits are, basically , they are the first "WWJD" bracelet, sortof.  You don't wear them on your arm, you wear them on the four corners of your garments.  I always put a thread of blue in them as we are commanded, and some would say that only men are to wear them, but even in Judaism there are many rabbis that disagree with that thought, saying that to observe beyond your actual limit,is to be desired and commended.

                                                                                              

My story of life, death, and inbetween

It is easy to say, that everything is a coincidence, a fluke, a matter of being in the right place at the right time, or the wrong place at the wrong time.....I don't believe that.  I will tell you about my life, a little slice of it from when I was born until about 10 yrs of age.....

I was born to Ken and Zora Miller in  1959. I was their only child, my mom had been married before and had 4 sons, but since I was the little princess my mom had wished for, I was special. My dad, on the other hand, this was his first and only marriage, he was the proclaimed forever bachelor, until he met my mom, and didn't like little kids. Until I came along. Some say that marriage and babies, change you. To some degree, I guess that is true, but what happened throughout my life has been anything less than amazing.

My parents, were both in the bar business. My dad a bartender, and my mom a hostess at the bar. They met there, my dad was in awe of my mom. Dad was very quiet and reserved and mom was full of life and didn't take anything from anyone. Especially when it came to men.

They got married, in 1958 and just a year later, I came along.

Shortly after my 2nd birthday, my mom was getting tired of all the things that "came" with the bar business.  They sometimes would take me to the bar, of course I was about 2 at that time, and they began to see that it wasn't the best environment for children, especially a little girl! Since  they didn't own the bar; they were just employees, so they could walk away. She woke up one Sunday morning, dressed me up and said to my dad, "Were going to church", you see she too had parents that had taken her to church, somewhere in her life.....So, as God would have it, my dad had the day off and was up and dressed for this new thing called church. Now, daddy wasn't a church stranger either. His momma and entire family attended a small hometown church in rural PA. He just thought that when he went in the Navy at 17, he didn't seem to have much use for "that God thing". My dad was a quiet soul, but in his youth quite a rebel rouser.

That morning, they went to a church . They went a few times more, but one day in particular, when the altar call(when the pastor asks if you want to come to the front of the church for prayer or to commit your life to Christ), the Spirit moved upon them. Both my parents to their dying days said that one "pulled and the other one pushed" the other to that altar call that day, but I know that God intended for them to go together, to accept Christ into their lives as a couple. And that day, they became saved by grace. Well, then Monday came....my mom worked days/dad worked nights so they could stay home with me. After a while, mom stopped working and dad kept working at the Bar. Each day began to seem more" out of place" for dad. People would ask him, "have a drink tonight?" He used to drink WITH his customers, now he'd say "No thanks, I've become a Christian and I don't drink anymore." Wow!!! I'll bet the angels were singing then! So, finally he quit the business, and went into manufacturing. Several years later, we moved from  Oregon, when I was about 6.

As I mentioned before, my mom had 4 sons, and one of them lived in Oregon, and was having some "marital issues" His wife would call my mom, saying "we need help", etc.......So, my mom, being the kind of woman who would try to help no matter what...decided that we would pack up and move up to OR to help my brother and his wife. So, we did.....Portland here we come......We moved to the North part of Portland, and as God would have it, there was a house for rent, right next to my brothers house. So my mom could help take care of grand kids, and keep an eye on my brother. My niece and I used to pretend we were sisters at school. Crazy stuff. I remember picking blackberries off the big bush on the side of that house..I remember a cat I had named Kelly, that got killed by traffic outside because it was a busy street. I remember having a cool halloween party in the garage, my parents were great at the dramatic thing, with what looked like a real operation with, blood and gore everywhere....it was only spaghetti, ketchup and yolks for eyes....(Hey in the dark, it was pretty neat. You would have had to have been there.....anyway,)

A few months later, we got involved in a little church, next , we were asked to live in the parsonage at that church and take care of the grounds/church upkeep. My mom stayed home with me, and my dad worked at Freightliner on Swan Island. Time passed, and I really wanted brothers and sisters, that were my age and lived with us. So, my parents started a foster home for kids in the care of the State.  For the next ten years, and some 100 kids later,  they weren't just my parents , but "proxy parents" for many others. My parents cleared all the background checks and everything. But the state had ONE rule, they said that my parents couldn't "discipline" them. My parents being strict Baptist Christians, said that the kids would be treated no differently than their own. So, we got our first kids....a brother(12)and sister(16) and a "secret". My parents were so amazing! The sister, would now be just a girl in High School, and the brother in middle school. The secret....the little girl, a small girl only 15 mos. That was the big sisters "daughter", although we never knew that until much later.  In the meantime, little sister, who was very sick when the kids came to our family; through proper care and feeding, my mom had gotten the little on back to health. A very happy baby now. When the kids first came to our house, the little girl had trenchmouth and malnutrition. Her mother, just a babe herself, didn't know how to take care of her, and I don't know where "her" parents were, maybe these kids were abandoned. The little angel didn't speak at all when they first arrived. But now, she sang and played patt-a-cake. I know when my mom would go shopping, the little girl would sing "Jesus Loves Me", and she started to speak whole words as she had been attending our churches Sunday school. All the kids did, me the sister, the brother and more and more kids were added to our house. One day, in about 4th grade, I was called out of class, to tell me that our mom was waiting in the office for us. I don't remember how many of us were at the house now, but I would say that there were at least 5 of us kids total. Our little sister, the one that had come so far, had died. She had a heart problem from birth, and her little body was racked with some type of infection. All I remember is she was home when we left, and not when we came home. I think she was in the hospital only for a short while and died there at the big Children's Hospital in the city. All I know is that shortly before the convulsions started, my mom said that the little girl would come to her, while she was doing dishes, pull on my moms skirt and point to the front door. My mom would go to the door, and no one was there. This would go on for a few days. Some people believe that you see angels coming to take you home, before you die. I believe that happened with my little sister before her death. She died in 1969, she is buried locally, and what I remember about the day of her funeral, would affect me the rest of my life in some very unusual ways...that is for another post.

In my Fathers eyes....

I have a picture of my me and my father, that was taken at the Portland Test Gardens in Oregon, when I was about 8 yrs old. It shows him smiling at me as I attempt to take a picture of him with an OLD camera. As he is looking at me, I have noticed that this picture, is what I want my Heavenly Father to do when I see Him. Smile and have that "I am pleased with you my child" on His face.

My dad was not very demonstrative, but I can tell you, he would have never let me go out in something that wasn't appropriate. Thank you Dad! He always had talks with the boys I went out with, trying to check them out, however no one was good enough for his little girl, but he put up with my choices as best as he could. I know for a fact, that both my parents would adore the one God chose for me, in my Marty. I made so many of my own choices then, my clothes, my friends, but really I wanted to make my parents happy, so I guess some I chose out of wanting to be the good daughter, the compliant child. My mom always wanted me to look cute and sweet, so my hair was always done, and my clothes always clean and pressed. This picture in the Rose garden, is interesting to me, in several ways...One, that happens to be the name I chose so many years later, Rose. And, we are both smiling and enjoying the moment. I know my dad loved me; I was his only child. When he passed away in 1999, so much to do and things to go through, but the sorrow I felt was made peaceful when I found his address book, and a little slip of paper fell out....it had my birthday, my kids' birthdays and his moms birthday....and some other important dates to him... Beside my birthday, was "daddys little girl". I still carry that piece of paper with me today. It shows a Fathers love for his child. I hope and pray that when we reunite in Heaven , my other Father, will be equally pleased and more....

Messianic/Torah keeping Women and the wearing of Tassels (or in Hebrew, Tzitzits) from Numbers 15:37

 Some excerpts from Wikipedia on the subject of Tzitzits.  I am studying this as I, and many women I know, have an interest in wearing Tzitzits, feminine colors, and feminine clothes, not to "look like a man", as we are commanded NOT to do. Interesting to find out that many Rabbis , even into Modern Orthodox Judaism were okay with women wearing a Tallit, or Tzitzits wearing. (a Tallit is a prayer shawl worn usually during prayer, as our public "closet to go into" and pray quietly just us and YHVH), something to be wrapped around oneself when talking to God. Just as Moses, while at Mt Sinai, covered himself when in the presence of God, but had to recover his face, when he came down from the mountain,  as his skin "glowed" just from the presence of the Almighty!  Sort of a way of intimacy between you and God. Not having any distractions around. This is why we are to pray "quietly in a secluded place" such as a room /closet. Just us and Him. This is the way to accomplish that when you are praying around others.  Tzitzits or fringes or tassels that are worn on the four corners of our garments. (in today's world where we don't always have four cornered garments, there are many "ways" that people wear them depending on what they are wearing. I usually pin mine on my garment, just in front and in back of my side seam, so if you were to rip that seam that would be my "four corners".  One of the things that has been changed in modern times. Doesn't mean we should stop doing the commandment, we just have to do it differently, as close to it as possible. We are to wear them , out so we can see them and be reminded of who we serve, everyday, all day, any day.  It is there for conviction for me, to make me not go my own way or my eyes or ears, or other body parts.

Usually in the Hebrew Roots and Messianic movements, a blue thread is laced into the tassels/fringes, as it is written in Numbers 15:37-40.  The Jewish Rabbis say that the blue came from a sea creature of long ago, which I was told it was a snail of some sort, their shell , crushed made this color. Well, if snails and sea creatures with out fins and scales aren't KOSHER, then why would that be used as a color type anyway. The Torah (first 5 books of the Christian Bible), calls the color Techelet, in Hebrew.  so as of this time, our tzitzits male and female , aren't always white, but always have "a" blue color in them to keep the "commandment as true as possible. Ours are also tied , with two things in mind. 1) the wraps are done in numerical value of G-d's name in Hebrew. Yud Hay Vav Hay, YHVH. so 10-5-6-5. Plus the numerical number for Tzitzit is 600, and the 8 strands which are used plus the five knots that are made in between the YHVH, are total of 13, so 613 commandments or if you want to say 10 + 603 commandments..


  In most circles, women are not obligated to wear a tallit, since they are not bound to perform positive mitzvot which are time-specific,^[25] and the obligation to wear a tallit only applies by day.  Many early authorities did permit women to wear a tallit, such as Isaac ibn Ghiyyat (b. 1038), Rashi (1040–1105), Rabbeinu Tam (ca 1100–1171), Zerachya ben Yitzhak Halevi of Lunel (ca. 1125–1186), Rambam (1135–1204), Rabbi Eliezer ben Yoel Halevi (ca 1140–ca 1225), Rashba (1235–1310), Aharon Halevi of Barcelona (b. ca 1235?), Rabbi Yisrael Yaaqob Alghazi (1680–1761), Rabbi Yomtob ben Yisrael Alghazi (1726–1802)). There was, however, a gradual movement towards prohibition, mainly initiated by the Medieval Ashkenazi Rabbi Meir of Rothenburg (the Maharam). The Rema states that while women are technically allowed to don a tallit it would appear to be an act of arrogance (yuhara) for women to perform this commandment^[26]). The Maharil^[27] and the Targum Yonatan Ben Uziel^[28] both view a talit as a “male garment” and thus find that a woman wearing a talit to be in violation of the precept prohibiting a woman from wearing a man’s garment.
In contemporary Orthodox Judaism, there is a debate on the appropriateness of women wearing tzitzit which has hinged on whether women are allowed to perform commandments from which they are exempt. According to Rabbi Joseph Soloveitchik the issue depends on the intention with which such an act is undertaken, e.g. whether it is intended to bring a person closer to the Almighty, or for political or protest purposes. Other commentators hold that women are prohibited generally, without making an individual inquiry. The view that women donning a tallit would be guilty of arrogance is cited as applying to attempts of making a political statement as to the ritual status of the genders, particularly in the Modern Orthodox community, are generally more inclined to regard contemporary women's intentions as religiously appropriate.
Rabbi Moshe Feinstein,  coming from a Jewish religious background; wrote that permission is granted to every woman who wishes to fulfill even those mitzvot (commandments) which the Torah did not obligate; and they indeed fulfill a mitzvah and receive the reward for the fulfillment of  it including saying the appropriate associated blessing (I usually say the blessing in english, or just thanking God for giving us this commandment.  And also tzitzit are applicable for a woman who desires to wear a four cornered garment - it should be different than a man’s garment - and by attaching tzitzit, she fulfils this mitzvah.^[29]


 I found this part really interesting.....We don't follow Ancient Rabbis, only Rabbi Yeshua (Jesus) and His Father, God, YHVH., but always historical studies are fascinating anyway, and found this particularly because most Jewish of the religion don't beleive that women should wear them and that it is a man's commandment.
Rabbi Yisrael Yaaqob Alghazi and Rabbi Yomtob ben Yisrael Alghazi held that the observance of this mitzvah by women was not only permitted but actually commendable, since such diligence amongst the non-obligated would inspire these women's male relatives to be even more diligent in their own observance^{[citation nee}

1. ^ Babylonian Talmud, tractate Kiddushin 29a
2. ^ Shulkhan Arukh, Orah Hayyim 17:2 in Mappah
3. ^ Sefer Maharil 7
4. ^ Devarim 22:5
5. ^ Igrot Moshe, Orah Hayyim 4:49, s.v. ibra d’ika

This was done as a study of why or why not women should or shouldn't be allowed to wear them, if we choose to do to honor YHVH. Also important to mention, is that Yeshua, (Jesus) wore them too, remember the woman who had a bleeding problem? She touched the corner of his fringes...Interesting?!
If women wear "feminine" tzitzits not for political status or to be "irreverent" but to be closer to YHVH also,  and to "remember" the  Commandments of Yahweh, after all , isn't it  EVE, the woman, that was taken off guard by her eyes, and her ears, listening to the Serpent in the Garden of Eden? And she was the one that "saw the fruit as good and pleasurable to the eyes". She also allowed HaSatan ( Satan,the Serpent) to trick her mind, thinking she needed to be like G-d and know everything...So as I see it, women are just as much needing to wear them as men. We have desires and thoughts and issues like men too. So wearing them makes me think twice about, saying something rude, or getting mad at someone that cut me off in traffic, or dishonoring my parents or family or friends.  Even tho a "time limited" commandment, (during day time hours), that we should still be able to show our honor and praise to our Creator with the wearing of a beautiful commandment of wearing Tzitzit.