PTSD and me

I have PTSD. .It stands for Post Tramautic Stress Disorder.  I have never been a soldier at war; but it can be triggered by accidents, rape, war, seeing someone killed, or seeing an accident for instance, and other traumatic events...but today, I drove to Missoula by myself...something I haven't done since we have been here.  Here is the background to that story..

 I have had it since July 14, 2005. The day I was in my car accident.  Thankfully, no deaths, but a few injuries, and 3 mangled cars. I was sitting at a stop, (for traffic in front of me), there was a lg pickup in front of me, along with a long line of cars... and no one behind me at the time.  About 10 minutes before I got to the stop, a young gal in a VW bug was behind me to my right...I passed her and got there first, and was last in the line of stopped cars. I was going only 35 which is the limit there. She wasn't paying attention and pushed the gas instead of the break, I watched her for what seemed an eternity, careen into the back of my 2000 Nissan Altima, from my rear view mirror.....I saw ahead that there was no one in the "universal turn" lane..So I tried to meander over into it, so she could stop in time before hitting me or the truck, therefore avoiding all the problems...unfortunately, when she hit me from the back, she shoved me 2-3 car lengths in the universal turn lane, and then there WAS someone, a pick up truck, so for what seemed like hours, we are playing "chicken" trying to avoid hitting each other also. We hit, the pickup truck came up onto the front of my hood!!  So, essentially, we were an automobile "oreo" cookie...stuck in the middle of two accidents, while separate were intertwined. after we "stopped" I asked Travis if he could call his dad, who had just gotten home from a busy day at work, Trav and I were on our way to the mall in Longview, WA.  Marty says that he " was hoping he could get to me in time", He thought I was unconcious, or worse, dead. Glad I had a man that took it seriously!

Plus Travis getting burned and jolted too, hit his head on the dash! (he is 6"2 so his face was over the airbag, I'm only 5"2 and so my bag went right into my face and chest. as I have to sit closer for me height. (They make those things for a person of like 5"9 and about 200 lbs! Scary for shorties like myself!  My bag actually punctured on impact, toxic powder everywhere(that causes the burns), throwing my glasses(thank God for polycarbonate lenses, non shatter) off my face and over the steering wheel on to the console, the cd wallet, that Trav had in his hand, over the steering column to my side of the console over the airbags! It also gave me a corneal abrasion, smacked my left side of my face pretty hard, cracked two teeth,  the "poison" they put in those bags is NOT TO BE INGESTED!  Boy did that stuff STING!!!  the airbag popped so loud, like a howitzer! It made my bad hearing worse on that side(next to the airbag) and made it worse than before, with me being so close to the steering wheel, I had burns on my face, chest, stomach, etc...from the bags...plus it made me have memory and cognitive problems....My knee hit the steering column, which fortunately didn't break it, but caused build up in it, and surgery later...., the seat belt restrained me (thankfully), but in a way that cause severe pain to my kidney and gallbladder...surgery was  to come to them about a year later.. Thankfully, I was alive and what could have been a lot worse, wasn't.  Just had a lot of adjustments to make...2 weeks later got "laid off" because over staffing...that didn't help my self esteem at the time...for a person that was usually not "sick" or out of comission; I, all of a sudden, was.

I have  dealt with the PTSD for the past 6 years, since my accident, in which I have not driven more than about 20 minutes from home (with one exception ) city streets and NO freeway driving! ( that would terrify me) An hour to and back and went grocery shopping ..., it was a first for me, in 6 yrs... I know, I used to drive all over the place, from OR to San Diego by myself, school, work, over 2 hrs each way, everyday, anytime to meet friends... but after the accident, I stopped, everything around me came to a screeching halt!!! Fortunately, I had Marty, but some days, HE wanted me out of the car, as I was driving "for" him, with shrieks along the way, if I thought he wasn't stopping fast enough...my friend, from CA, when they came for my wedding, I didn 't want to go to the city to go SHOPPING, because I would have to be in a car....Sad I know, who does'nt want to go to the Mall! We did go, but she said she would never drive with me again, either...(I have gotten over some of it...) still skittish if car goes too fast.. I was pretty much afraid of being in ANY car..Even  the rental after the accident, they were going to give me a little car....My wonderful hubby took it back to the rental place and said, "Are you kidding", how about if we take that F150 over there, and let the insurance co pick that up" She is terrified of anything less than a tank.", so F150 it was,( now he had to teach me to drive it! off to the HS we went, around and around, I finally got the hang of it!!) LOL,  and they picked up the whole thing for a week and a 1/2! ..Took me a couple years, to not , be a "true side seat driver...I would be watching front mirror, back side and everything in between, like a hawk! no one wanted me in the car, because I freaked out so much! I would take the path of least resistance, where before the accident, I would drive anywhere, at speeds keeping up with limit, at least.

Today I kept up with traffic, thankfully OUR traffic consists of one car behind you and one in front, MAYBE! How did I get by in San Diego, for 25 yrs?? LOL...You don't realize how powerful our brains are until something like this happens, and you freeze up totally, it even affected my socialization, second guessing my self, being afraid to make a move, Little by little Im coming out of it, again, I prayed this morning and while driving, and enjoyed it more than I have in a long time... Praise YHVH!

Another blog post coming  about how YHVH took this and made it into something good in His timing, so never ever give up! Keep working on it, in His timing things will change...There is always a good to the bad, when YHVH takes over....Give it to Him, and he will work miracles...